All of this self-inspection, dredging up feelings and memories for the sake of leading a simpler life have left me quite drained. I haven't dug this deep in years. Telling stories of important moments in my life may have slightly blanketed the fact that I am just an ordinary jerk. Have I been leaving those parts out? Am I making myself out to be someone I am not? Did you know that I am conceited and proud, at times boastful?
I have received some really considerate feedback from writing this blog.
"Your blog brought me to tears."
"I never thought about it that way."
And my favorite so far,
"Your blog makes me want to change some things in my life... as soon as I find the time."
These notes have filled my heart with gratitude. But also they have filled my head with helium. I have found myself checking stats, secretly checking the blog audience map in hopes that my blog would read in another different country. I am up to seven now!
But that's not what this blog was supposed to be. I keep reminding myself that I am gathering my thoughts for the Sunday school lesson, not to try to win friends and influence people. I want to hone in the stories, tie them together and make sense of all my ramblings. Writing helps me think and organize.
This here's just a guy who is trying to work out his thoughts before I have to stand in front of an
audience. There have been a number of times in the past, while presenting to a group of people, where I have just broken down into tears, unable to share what is on my mind. Specifically when the topic has been of a personal matter... my family, my job, my love for a deceased love one.
I flubbed up my brother's toast at his wedding because I was so worried that I would ball up and cry during the toast. While I wanted to share of the joy that I saw in their faces when they were together, I ended up bumbling through a horrible rendition of a Polish folktale. A favorite of mine, but I failed to bring it to life.
At my grandfather's funeral, I made everyone wait nearly ten, painfully boring minutes while I tried to make the words come out.
That's why I am writing in this blog, in hopes that my stories, my words would not be as raw during the Lenten-based lesson on simplicity. Rereading what I have written so far has me wondering if I am just doing this to get attention? Is it all for show? Am I truly showing my true character or just glossing over points from my past? Yeah, probably.
As I stated in my first blog, I just want to be honest with the many ideas that I want to share. Writing this down and reading your feedback has really helped. I tend to be a jumbling mess when standing in front of crowds. But also, if you were to meet me on the street and you'll find that I am not truly likely to start up a conversation. And once that conversation starts, you'll find that I don't really have that much to offer.
Always found myself in with Good Ol' Van Pelt on this one ... You know Van Pelt...
"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -- Linus van Pelt in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
I never expected that I would be writing a blog about such personal issues, especially my faith.
The last few days, I've been listening to a favorite band from the last twenty years... The Seventy-Sevens. http://www.77s.com/ for more details. Mike Roe and his motley crew of ruffians have led me through some fine retrospection, inner dealings and reevaluations over the years. One particular song has helped me say no to my selfish ways more than any times I can figure.
Ladies and gentleman,The Seventy-Sevens, The Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes and the Pride of Life.
Now, those of you who have written to me, especially the lovely grandmothers, are bound to write again to fuss at me for being to hard on myself. Truth is, I deserve worse.
The bible says in Romans 5:8,"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."and later in Romans 6:23,"the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So there. I'm not alone in this thing, at least. You might be a jerk, too. We should form a club.
Visible signs of me being human, a mistake-riddled form of a man - I rush from event to event, at times I put my work before my family and don't listen when I should. I made it back from the grocery store last night with about half of what I was supposed to bring home, just because I didn't listen and focus on the task. The entire afternoon yesterday was spent with me at the dining room table grading papers while my kiddos were out playing. There has got to be a better way. I don't want my kids to remember that I put them off for my work.
Yesterday was the first Sunday of Lent. I am abstaining from sugar during these forty days. This is a good thing, as I know I have already put on ten pounds recently from living a more stationary life...writing, grading papers, reading. I'll need the extra help, not the extra calories.
To start our Lenten series of Sunday school lessons, called "Get Ready," the church chose wisely to have Mr. Walker, a man I truly admire and respect, begin the study with a lesson on Private Prayer. His presentation was remarkable. He engaged the forty, or so, people with thoughts on the importance of the ACTS of private prayer time.
Admonish
Confession
Thanksgiving
Supplication.
While listening to the lesson, I started remembering one of the last times I truly went to God in prayer just happened to be when the same Mr. Walker had invited The Wild Donahues to go canoeing with him down the Roanoke River. I was excited about the trip, knowing it would provide us with a number of "Whoo-ah!" moments.
Boy, did it ever. But the prayer I remember, came in a moment of fright when Mr. Walker asked me to take the lead of the canoe at a very choppy spot of the river. I had never paddled my family before and I quickly panicked! I remember staring at a huge rock in the middle of the Roanoke River, praying that we wouldn't hit the thing! "Please God!"
I was in such a panic that I forgot that I had the power to steer the boat away from the rock! Just seconds before we hit the roadblock (waterblock?), I managed to loosen my white-knuckled grip and keep our boat from colliding with the rock. Whoosh. Just like that!
We still bumped the rock and I remember Mr. Walker calmly saying from the back of the canoe,
"If you see any more of those, if you'd just let me know ahead of time."
We ended up having a fantastic trip. I certainly hope that it will be repeated again this year. I learned a lot about paddling and leading a ship that day. I also learned about patience and about enjoying the moment in a natural setting. Boats follow the river, but can be directed by your determination.
Yesterday, I learned something from else from Mr. Walker. During his lesson, he presented the powerful idea that it is perfectly fine to have those panic prayers. "God, I need you!" "God, help me!"But, we must also remember to express thankfulness to God when those and other prayers are answered. I don't think I had ever taken the time to do that, to thank God from pulling us out of the rapids, for keeping us from bashing our bodies upon that rock.
You'd have thought I would have taken the time to do that...I guess I'm just a jerk, is all.
The link above with take you to the lyrics of one of a Mark Heard song which I have identified with for a long time. "It's Alright." Being human takes a toll on you. Remembering that we are sinners, yeah... that stinks when you ponder on it. I don't like to be wrong. I often am, though.
I am learning along the way in this life. I am hereby acknowledging my weaknesses and I am reaching to become a better, more thankful and prayer-filled person.
This week, I wish to focus my blogs on the outward expressions of simplicity, as listed in Richard Foster's book - Celebration of Discipline; the Path to Spiritual Growth. In his chapter on simplicity as a discipline, he mentions "shunning anything that distracts you from seeking the kingdom of God."
The simple reminder is to not allow my own failings to stop me from reaching for the goal which I have set. I want to simplify my life to allow me to focus more fully on my family, my relationship with my wife and my time with God.
Link of the day...
Michael Roe - still keeping it real... http://www.michaelroe.com/
Quote of the day...
"There is the danger and the temptation to you, of drawing your minds into your business, and clogging them with it; so that ye can hardly do anything to the service of God." George Fox
Bible verse of the day...
“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world." 1 John 2:16
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