Twice in my life, I have had the almost wretched honor of going through a dead man's wallet. As hard as it may seem to hear, I have found it a comforting experience to discover what a person finds important enough to carry it with them day in-day out.
First, my grandfather - everyone called him Kilroy. He carried Burger King Coupons, pictures of his grandchildren, notes from his children and gobs and gobs of his own handwritten notes detailing projects he was working on. That man was either working... or resting while watching an old war flick or documentary and drinking a Dr. Pepper.
My most recent snoop was going through my birth father's remaining things after he died on December 2nd last year. I was called in as next of kin to help with some remaining questions and settlements and handed an envelope of things that he was carrying with him at the time of his death.
If you read my blog earlier regarding my parents, you know that I mentioned my mom and dad and the importance of me having them in my life. I also mentioned that my birth father had taken off long ago. I had actually only seen him a couple of times in my adult life. The last time I had seen him, we had heard that he was deathly sick and would not likely live much longer. And then in a blink of an eye, three years had passed and I found myself receiving a phone call last December to tell me was gone for good.
When I opened the envelope from the hospital, out dropped my birth father's wallet. It struck me while I was looking through his personal effects, that I will never know him better, never be able to have the complete story... but what I did have was powerful. A stack of receipts to see how he spent his last few days, business cards of folks who I ended up meeting at his funeral (all five of the people called him a best friend) and a plain metal cross with a "cross in my pocket" card.
For several days, I grieved in my own private way, trying to push it all away... hide it under the rocks in my head. Yet, through the encouragement of my tender, lovely wife, I decided to handle the grief differently and I took time to think and process, to think and read... and to think some more.
I also decided to do something else differently. Instead of holding it in, instead of pushing thoughts and worries to the side... my usual form of processing, I reached out. I shared with Ashley and I called a small group of friends and asked them to allow me to share. That was a life-changer for me. I had grieved the loss of this man, but the biggest obstacle would take much longer. Time was needed to mourn the loss of time... the missed opportunities.
While I will never consider this man to be my dad... he was still a person. It turns out, he had in the last few years joined his local church. There he volunteered and helped with the services. I found out that he walked miles and miles to visit his friends in the hospital and tried to attend services at his church whenever possible. At least five people walked up to me to tell me that they considered him their best friend. That's powerful and humbling.
I would never have wished my life to be any different. I adore my parents, my lovely mother and the man who would become my daddy... and still try to honor them to this day.
But at this point, I feel relieved to have been able to process the loss of this man and was able to make some personal changes based on what I learned from his life.
The simple relief that I found in dropping my burdens, sharing my worries and regrets with understanding friends was extremely powerful. Letting go, being open (even though it terrified me) was so refreshing, so healing.
Life is hard. We will have troubles. There is loss in life. Going to my friends and sharing, I believe allowed me a more free and open pathway to also taking those concerns to God. A difficult lesson, indeed as I stared at the contents of the this man's wallet.
For when you can't do it on your own anymore...
Link of the day...
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/roanoke/obituary.aspx?n=ronald-eldridge-donahue&pid=154867110 What do you want to accomplish before you leave this old world?
Quote of the day...
“So go out and live real good and I promise you'll get beat up real bad. But, in a little while after you're dead, you'll be rotted away anyway. It's not gonna matter if you have a few scars. It will matter if you didn't live.” Rich Mullins
Bible verse of the day...
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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